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February 8th, 2010
01:30 pm - My own faults
So after being all upset that David didn't text me goodnight I spent the night in a very anxious state. Even the next morning I was still anxious about it. He came over and I asked him why he didn't text me goodnight the night before. He said he didn't see my text until an hour after I had sent it. He didn't text back because he didn't want to wake me up. In response to that I went on about how he doens't care about me etc.
After about an hour of arguing and going back and forth he asked why every conversation had to turn into 'this'. He said that I could have just said 'oh well it's okay if you wake me up I don't mind' and then he would have known. I was getting mad at him for not doing something he didn't even know he was supposed to do.
So my fault... my flaw that I've been seeing more and more is that I take things too personally. I expect everyone to be in my own head with me. This is something I think Colin has brought up before too. Not everything is an attack on me, not everything is to spite me or purposely ignore me or my feelings. I need to stop jumping to conclusions so quickly.
*Yesterday I was 200 or so calories over my goal. Today thus far I have 655 calories left for the day and I plan on burning about 300. I also have little food at my house. Being poor has its benefits if you're trying to lose weight.
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February 7th, 2010
10:46 am - Venting re: relationship crap
Here is my issue:
I'm a planner. I like to know what I'm doing for the next few days. I like to know if I'm going to see David. I'm not asking for specific details like what time and where and what we will do. Just if I'm going to see him, maybe around what time of day. Does he have things that he wants to do during the day? Does he want to hang out later at night?
So when I ask 'do you want to hang out later?' and he says 'I dunno maybe' I get frustrated. It's one of the most irritating things about him. Why can't he just decide if he wants to see me later or not and say yes or no? I'm not asking for a ridiculous commitment. I do not like waiting. I do not like checking my phone 30 times a day to see if he's called yet. This whole relationship I've pretty much been the one to call all the shots. I always am asking him to do stuff, go out places etc., so he's never had to. But the thing is that if I don't I don't think he ever will. He keeps saying that I don't know that but when he hasn't really done much to prove me otherwise then what else am I supposed to think?
My other issue, which I know is really petty and stupid:
Every night since forever we've always said goodnight. Either via text or on the phone. I like it, it's nice closure for days when we don't hang out. I said goodnight last night and never heard anything back. I know it's not a big deal but it has thrown me into a very anxious state. When something as simple as texting me goodnight makes me happy, why can't he just do it? He doesn't understand why I need things like that and that's fine but it just... makes me happy. I know it's dumb and a very very small detail but really... I'm not asking him to do anything extravagant. It's just a text message.
Why would I want to be in a relationship with someone who won't do small things like that because they're important to me? I don't like that I get so upset about these things but I've tried to let it go and I just can't. I keep thinking about how these are things that keep coming up. He knows things like this are important to me. It makes me feel like he doesn't really care when he doesn't... take them to heart.
I think at this point I'm just being overly-sensitive but still... it's frustrating when I feel like I'm not getting what I need out of this relationship and I feel like I'm doing everything in my power to give him what he wants, even if it means changing my standard or my personality. And that is a Big compromise when I feel like I'm getting nothing in return.
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February 6th, 2010
07:12 pm - Staying up late = Eating late
So last night was Terrible in terms of food. After eating pretty well at work I ate Wendys, a pizza tortilla I made and jimmy johns. jimmy john's was a choice made at 1 AM. No good. I was, of course and as expected, Way over my daily allowance of calories.
To remedy my feelings of guilt I went to the gym this afternoon and burned off more than the number of calories I had already eaten this morning. I ran a total of 26 minutes! It's getting really hard to keep running this much. I'm thinking I might sort of... start over once I hit 30 minutes. Increase my speed maybe. I feel like increasing the incline will eventually just ruin my ankles.
I've been watching videos from the National College dance competition. I want to be dancing for real. more than I already am. Like be a part of a team.
I think I'm going to start doing p90x. David and I watched the entire infommercial today. It looks.... crazy but there's no way it can't work. That shit is craaazzzyyy!!!!! David's going to get it for free so I think he's getting it for me too. Having a boyfriend who is as ripped as David is great but also makes me feel less great. If we both do p90x he'll be Super Crazy ripped and I'll just be slightly impressive. Oh well. I can do it!
Yesterday at the gym I ran next to a guy who looks like Josh Halloway (Sawyer from lost) and today I ran next to a guy who looks like Rainn Wilson! It is like celebrity week at Snap Fitness on Snelling! I wonder who I'll see next!
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February 5th, 2010
01:34 pm - DailyPlate Numbers
Well it's lunchtime and I have about 460 calories left to consume today. I also hope to work out after work so that'll burn another couple hundred. Woo! However... I have already eaten %180 of the sugar I should be. Oops. That is a Lot of sugar. It's the Diet Coke and the Applesauce I'm sure. Oh well.
My neighbor started using Nutriiveda. It's a drink mix that you eat in place of one or two meals a day. It's supposed to help you lose weight and cut down the sugar addiction etc. She got it from her trainer and it comes with a big packet of information so I"m sure it's expensive. I might look into it and see how much it costs. My neighbor has already lost 10 lbs. and is losing inches too. She's also very realistic and healthy so I feel like if she's doing it it can't be terribly unhealthy.
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February 4th, 2010
12:50 pm
So the running thing has been going pretty okay. I started a month ago today and have over doubled my time. When I started I could only do 7 minutes. this past Tuesday I did 16. I don't work out as intensely as I did when I started because I stopped following my snap fitness workouts. I should probably start those up again. I also sort of changed my schedule daround. I started when I was on break from dance and now that I'm back my body's getting more of a workout. For instance, I tried running on a Wednesday after I had ballet on tuesday night. I could only run about 4 minutes becuase my calves were Just burning. So now I work out Tuesday's before dance, Thursdays before dance and I hope to get to the gym on either Monday or Friday after work.
I started using the DailyPlate today since Dan and Tralle both use it and they are both having huge success with their weight loss. I made a profile, put in what I've eaten today and wrote in my diary about it. So here is what I wrote!:
Today, I feel... guilty. Yesterday I had a pretty good lunch: pasta and applesauce. Then I went to Wendy's and then I went out to dinner and had an inordinate amount of soup along with about 3 breadsticks. Totally unnecessary.
Today I went to caribou, got a small hot chocolate and a French toast muffin. On top of it being food I didn't need, I also used money I didn't need to spend. But it's 12:30 and I'm definitely not hungry. I brought tomato soup, applesauce and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on wheat with me today. I plan on eating the applesauce if I get hungry at work, otherwise I will just save the rest for dinner.
My goal today is to work out at the gym, run for a min. of 16 minutes at 5.5 mph at an incline of 3. When I started a month ago today, I could only run 7 minutes at those settings. Now I've over doubled my time! Last night I did 260 crunches and 11 pushups as well. Not a full on work out but it's something. Tonight I also have 2 hours of dance: jazz and danceline. Both of those classes are pretty demanding, as long as we actually do something. Sometimes I go, dance for maybe 15 minutes total and the rest is just running formations and standing around while the teacher teaches other groups or reviews choreography that I already know.
BUT! Starting with the Daily Plate will at least be a way to track what I'm eating since I'm not doing a very good job of being held accountable for what I put in my body. So... woo!
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January 15th, 2010
January 6th, 2010
03:36 pm - 5 things
So David and I... maybe aren't as great as I thought we would be. I guess I expected a huge change after this weekend, but it's not happening. Last night and this morning I felt unsure again, of how compatible we are. if I'm really the type of girlfriend he wants and if he's the type of boyfriend I want. At one point maybe we were but not anymore.
We need to discuss.
My friend asked me the 5 things I want in a relationship:
1. To feel loved
2. To feel desired
3. Communication
4. Someone who helps me and lets me help them
5. Companionship
then he asked me what of those things was I not getting. I said:
1,2 and 4.
Now, it's not that I don't know if David loves me or cares about me. Because I know that he does. It's that he doesn't show it in a way that I understand. I am a touch person, an action person. Giving gifts is a way of showing someone you love them and were thinking about them. It doesn't have to be expensive or extravagant. Holding my hand, putting your hand on my back when we walk... things like that, those are things that show me that someone loves me. Those are things that David doesn't do. And it's not that he can't, because he used to.
I used to feel desired. We were together because we wanted to be. We couldn't wait to see each other or talk to each other. Now I just feel like he sees me because he should, not because he wants to.
The helping thing is hard. I take things far too personally, I'm stubborn, an argument about one thing quickly turns into an argument about 4 things. All I want is for him to try. To say something to me when I tell him that my feelings are hurt. His thought is... if my feelings are hurt he can't do anything about it, because they are my feelings and it's not his job to make me feel better. Granted... him saying that was probably one of the stupidest things I've ever heard.
So tonight,I'm going to tell him the 5 things that I need and tell him the things I'm not getting, and then see what he says. So I guess we'll see.
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January 5th, 2010
01:44 pm
Things worked out.
Drove to Morris for a spontaneous road trip on Saturday. David got the Bro Code book from HIMYM and it had NPH on the front so he sent me a picture of it. so we chatted a little which I felt good about. He called later that night saying he didn't want to be done and we discussed. I had written him an email I never intended on sending, just getting all my thoughts out there. So I ended up sending it to him and he read it and said that he understood and it seemed like I understood where he was coming from.
So I feel like we just had a pretty major turning point so... hopefully we stay out of the rut we slide into before.
2010 didn't start out so well but now it's not so bad. :)
AND
I went to the gym and ran for 10 whole minutes at 5.5 mph at an incline of 3. So.... take that.
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January 2nd, 2010
09:34 am
It has been 23 hours since David left. Initially I called twice (with no answer) and texted him once asking if we were broken up or not. Since then I haven't contacted him. I'm pretty proud of myself. He always says that he needs space sometimes and so that is what I am trying to give him. I understand that he needs time. I understand why things went the way they did.
I still want to be together. It takes a while for a couple to figure out how to be together, the best way to help each other, etc. It's been stressful. The nature of our relationship has been stressful and dramatic and so I think it's only natural that it take us a little longer than it might have to figure things out. But we're good together. We have these great long conversations about.... anything. We can talk for 3 hours over dinner about the American education system, or we can talk for 2 hours before bed about Harry Potter and football. We make each other laugh. We like to do things together... like watching every season of the Office on DVD. Yes, things have been rough for a while. That's only about 10% of the time. The other 90% is great. We fight more often then we should, and this is mostly because I have trouble letting things slide; I am working on this.
I don't think that any of the things that David has expressed frustration about are wrong. I think they are all warranted and true. He has been a crutch for my self esteem lately. It has turned into more of a pseudo-marriage than it should have. I do freak out about the silliest things. I just hope that he knows that I love him. I hope that he remembers the reason we got together in the first place, why we put everything on the line to be together.
My biggest fear: He won't call for days/weeks and then when he does, it's to break up.
My goal: I will not call or contact him. I will wait until he is ready to contact me.
My hope: That if he does call, and when he calls, it's good news. And we can give ourselves a chance to start over.
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January 1st, 2010
12:32 pm
2010 started out with a fight with David that lead to him taking all of his stuff, leaving his keys to my apartment and leaving. I think we broke up.
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December 31st, 2009
01:33 pm
Goodbye 2009
New pets: 0
Countries visited: 0
Dance performances: 8
New thing tried that I always wanted to do: 0
Spontaneous vacations: 1
New jobs: 3
New apartment: 1
Jobs quit: 3
Weddings: 1
Funerals: 0
New babies: 0
Pounds lost: 0
Pounds gained: 20 (how did this happen?)
Divorces: 1
Friends lost because of divorce: lots
Friends gained after divorce: a few
New TV Show addictions: 2 (LOST, and How I Met Your Mother)
Musicals seen: 3
Kisses: a few a day
Sex: not enough
Drunken nights: not very many
Good year? not really. It's been rocky since April. But! Decisions were made that had to be made and I'm okay with that. I'm learning to live my life without Colin. I'm trying to reach out more for the support that I've been looking for. I'm still dealing with the divorce and how I feel about Colin. But I like the relationship I'm in now. I like that it's a challenge for me because I'm having to re-assess my relationship style and what I really want. Which I think is good for me. So, a dramatic year, but I'm still alive so that's a plus.
Hopes for 2010
New pets: 1? maybe? probably not.
Countries visited: 1-3
Dance performances: 6+
New thing tried that I always wanted to do: 5
Spontaneous vacations: 2
New jobs: 0
New apartment: 0
Job quit: 0
Weddings: 0+
Funerals: 0
New babies: 0
Pounds lost: 20
Pounds gained: 0
Divorces: I don't think I'll be getting married so... 0
Friends lost because of divorce: no more
Friends gained after divorce: Lots more!
New TV Show addictions: 2 or 3?
Musicals seen: 3+
Kisses: zillions
Sex: almost too much
Drunken nights: about the same, Could take a few more
2010 brings:
a new decade! Hopefully a lot of self reflection and positive change in my life. Stability. Income. Hopefully being in a musical! Hopefully choreographing a musical? Possibly take pole dancing classes (they always look fun and it's a workout!). Lots of trips to the gym. I would like to run a 5K. I would like to take some community education classes for things like.. mosaic table making and cupcake creations! There are some... 'resolution' type things i want to make. Like... being more food conscious, eating more fruits and vegetables, flossing my teeth every day, argue less;love more, be more spontaneous, let things go, make an effort to hang out with people more, less drama
So we'll see!
Current Location: Crazy Game of Poker
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December 29th, 2009
06:06 pm - Shuffle on your iPod
Reasons shuffle is a nice feature of your iPod:
the last 3 songs I've heard:
A song form Amelie
The Time of my Life
Per Spellman
:)
So... Tralle's blog has kept me interested for a while. I find that it motivates me! This is great! Rachel said that she and her sister started a 'long distance work out club' last year. Basically it was just email and gchat about working out and what they did the day before or were planning to do etc. Basically it kept each other accountable and was a nice reminder that other people were doing it too (or struggling with it too). I think I'm going to do it with them! We talk about working out and dieting and losing weight all the time anyway. Maybe I will start a forum. An online community.
I also sort of want to start something ... like a blog maybe? or just... something... about being divorced before 25. I think that maybe that is just so I can have an outlet and feel like I'm being listened to because... let's face it... i love to hear myself talk. We'll see. It seems unfair to only talk about it on livejournal and force it upon the 3 livejournal friends I have. (sorry guys)Although Colin said he reads it sometimes... Hi Col.
I had a very long conversation with my Dad about how I've felt abandoned by my family and a lack of support from them (and everyone) since the divorce. He brought up a good point... that most people are probably waiting for me to come to them about it when really I'm waiting for them to come to me. So nobody's getting anything accomplished. (Bad thing about Shuffle: Be Not Afraid... in German) Hopefully things with my sister get better some day. It seems like it could really be something that tears us apart. I understand why she's upset and how I hurt her. But I also feel like she doesn't understand that I'm hurt just as badly and that this is really hard for me. Regardless of the fact that I made mistakes and this was my decision and I started it... that doesn't numb me to feeling any sort of pain or emotion. I don't know if she understands that. I don't know if a lot of people understand that. I don't blame them, given what happened. But still. I'm human too. (seriously... furchte dich nicht... Who's idea was it to sing this? More than once? And record it?)
Tomorrow 3 of the sales people are coming in to the showroom to do their presentations for our boss! This is exciting because this means that People other than me will be in the office! And, I can hear what they say to customers when they do in-home estimates! How exciting! I should be sure to wear something nice and look presentable. And find things to do since I can't watch How I Met Your Mother when Jake (my boss) is there.
Current Music: Furchte Dich Nicht
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December 25th, 2009
04:37 pm
this is what sucks about christmas:
my sister's home.
this is why my sister being home sucks:
She's still bff's with my ex husband. so she talks to him all the time. and then talks about him as if nothing ever happened. She talks about him as if he was never my husband, he's just a friend she's always had. My parents do too.
yeah colin and I are still on relatively good terms. But he is my ex. Just because I'm comfortable talking about him doesn't mean that everyone else in my family can talk about him as if nothing happened. I hate that my family still talks to him. That my sister chose him over me and that my dad follows him on Facebook since he's in Korea.
I find myself not wanting to be at home just to avoid all this. I hate it.
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December 23rd, 2009
10:55 pm
i changed my fbook profile picture to a picture of me when I was a lot thinner... is that lying? or motivating? maybe both.
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11:44 am
Weight Loss blog:
waterbaloonist.blogspot.com
by Andrew Tralle
Maybe I should start one. It will keep me motivated? maybe? My knee is getting better. Going to get back in the gym this weekend.
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December 20th, 2009
07:26 pm
Well I went today to meet with the manager at Rosedale DSW. I start the week after Christmas. *sigh* I'm excited to be busy and I'm excited for a paycheck every week. I am not excited to have 2 jobs. But... oh well.
My heat works. But it only emits heat at night at like 3 AM. This is great if it's freezing at night and I'm home. It's not great if it's freezing during the day and I'm home.
Christmas is Friday! That just seems crazy.
I went to the Memorial bonfire for Kristine Larson, the girl who's murder trial I was a juror for. I met her family for the first time and got to meet Darion, her 3 year old son. It was... very surreal. But I'm glad I went. I"ve been talking to the family for over a year now via facebook. It was good to be able to actually meet and see them, and to see Darion.
Something is very wrong with my knee. Whenever I bend it it hurts and when I straighten it (especially standing up from squatting) it just Kills. This has never happened before. I've never had an injury like this, and I don't know how it happened or what's wrong with it. My mom gave me some stretches to do to sort of re-align everything in my legs so hopefully they work. I spose I'll do them while I watch the Vikings game.
That's another thing. a year ago I didn't care at all about football or who was playing or what was going on. I didn't know anything about it. But since I've been with David I've learned lots and seemingly care about it. That way, we can watch games together and I'll know what's going on and not be bored or feel ignored. The things we do for love.
Started watching How I Met Your Mother. Hilarious.
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December 17th, 2009
03:23 pm
I don't really have a whole lot to say. David left this morning for Virginia for a 5 day Halo-playing party... thing. So I'm on my own until Tuesday.
I think that in order to lose the weight I want to lose I need to actually go on a diet. This is frustrating because, as I told Sarah, I love my high carb diet. I'm working out like 4 days a week and I'm still not seeing results. The other problem with dieting is that it can be expensive. Fresh fruits and vegetables add up where as pasta is ridiculous cheap.
So... I want a baby. I realize how crazy that sounds at this point but I really do. I want a husband and a baby and a family. Before I at least had one of those.
On a more positive note, I'm less depressed I think. So... that's good!
I start at DSW in Rosedale soon. I really don't want a second job but it pays well and I get paid every Friday so... that's always a plus.
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December 7th, 2009
01:42 pm - I need help
Okay so... If you haven't assumed already I've been pretty depressed for the last couple months. Divorce changed my entire life and not necessarily in a good way either. I lost a family (Colin's), I lost a lot of friends and I lost a companion. So take those things away and pretty much all I have is me. For some reason I'm awful at calling people to hang out. I guess I was so depressed and sad for a while that I just... thought everyone should be calling ME and inviting ME places since I was the sad one. But that's just angsty and whiny. So... after reading Laura's post.... I too had some realizations.
Seeing In the Heights with Laura and Sarah was the first time since... probably when Brittany came to visit... that I had hung out with people outside of Morris. It had been so long since I had just spent time with people talking and laughing... Really like crying hysterical laughing. It's so crazy how much you bottle up and then don't realize it until you laugh like that. Who knew that me not paying attention to where I was going and Sarah pointing quietly out the window at the street I was supposed to turn on would be so hilarious.
I'm sad all the time and I'm sick of being sad. I dance twice a week which is definitely helpful. And I'm working out (although I didn't go all last week... oops) which also helps. I have sort of a routine which is Also good. But I'm not used to going home to an apartment of no one. I am not meant to be a loner. Some people like traveling alone. This is definitely Not me. I hate it. I spent like 12 hours in Barcelona by myself and it was horrible. And then I had to fly to Iceland, stay overnight, and then fly to the US by myself and it was ALSO horrible. (there's a post in here somewhere about that experience)
I don't really have a friend group anymore. Rachel has all her roommates and stolaf friends, Erika has Rachel Olm and Amanda and Sara Russell... so right there, my two best friends already have groups that they are part of. I would like a group to be in too. So if you have a group of friends and are looking for a fun, talkative, slightly judgmental asian girl to join your group, gimme a call!
PS Pandora.com is Fantastic.
Current Music: Stop this Train - John Mayer
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November 30th, 2009
11:33 am - only 6 more till 30
My 24th Birthday:
12:00 AM - closed my eyes awaiting my presents from David.
12:01 AM - Opened my eyes to see I Love You Man placed in my hands. woo!
12:02 AM - closed my eyes again to await my second present from David
12:03 AM - Opened my eyes to see the ENTIRE set of Harry Potter in Hard Cover FROM Britain in my hands. Ridiculously excited... started crying... Very pleased.
1:30 AM - after David finished Laundry went back to my place to go to sleep.
11:00 AM - woke up, showered and went to Minnetonka to go out to lunch with my parents.
12:30 PM - Lunch at the Gold Nugget
2:30 PM - Back at my apartment painting and waiting for David and the game to start.
3:00 PM - Watched the Vikings game and painted... nothing super exciting since we won by an awful lot
7:00 PM - Dinner at Khan's Mongolian Barbeque with friends! Ordered a free drink since it was my birthday. They messed up and brought me the wrong one so I got TWO free drinks! Probably only drank the equivalent of 3/4 of one drink since... I am me.
9:00 PM - Back home watching Season 4 of the Office with David and Rachel, freezing since my heat doesn't work.
11:30 PM - Bed time in my freezing apartment!
A very nice birthday to say the least. Next year I want to go to Space Aliens Bar and Grill.
Current Music: Romeo and Juliet - the Brown Derbies
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November 25th, 2009
11:51 am
I am less sad than I was a week ago. This is good.
The road to rebuilding a friendship after a traumatic and stressful experience is hard. But hopefully it works out.
2 long nights of arguing weren't very fun but I think that progress is being made which is all I care about.
My birthday is Sunday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I would very much like to go to Paris again.
I am having a housewarming/birthday party next weekend! I'm really excited. I've been sort of... needing to be surrounded by Lots of people who I know. After being isolated for so long I'm really excited for this party. Hopefuly I laugh a lot. I watched bloopers from the Office yesterday and literally just laughed and laughed and laughed all afternoon. I miss hanging out with friends and playing games and being loud and obnoxious and laughing. Like... the laughing hysterically, laughing so hard that you are literally crying and can't even stop long enough to give your smiling muscles a break.
Money. Money sucks. Who wants to give me some?
Current Location: work
Current Music: Memphis in the Meantime
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